KRISTI (wife.. yells across the house even though Rich is sitting near her at the kitchen table)

RIIIICHIE..  Can you get the door????????

RICH:

Sure

KRISTI:

Did you have to use that tone?

RICH:

All I said was, "sure".

KRISTI:

It's not what you said.. It's the way you said it.

RICH:

Okay. Tell me how to say it where it sounds like it is.. Where I'm getting up to answer the door and say.. "sure".. 

KRISTI:

See.. that's the tone I'm talking about.. Where it sounds like you are being nice but in your brain I know you are being a little smart-ass.

RICH:

uhm.. are you...

KRISTI:

Don't you dare. Don't you ask.. Don't you ask if I'm PM-essy.. Sometimes I just think you're kind of being smug.  and.. for the record.. Yes.. yes I am.. 

AUDREY (6 yr old daughter)

DAAAAAAADDY.  It's the kids next store!  They want us to come out and play but I won't go out unless the boys come out with me.. and after me. .because they are here for me.. not Joe.. not Christopher.. but they should be out too...  and only if I can change because last time I wore boots and they were playing zombies and that one boy said zombies don't wear boots and he hurt my feelings so i put a dirty rock in his lemonade when he wasn't looking.

RICH:

Let's not do that anymore..okay.. that's not nice

AUDREY:

Tell him not to cross me and he can drink lemonade without a dirty rock.

RICH:

You need to take it down a notch, sister.

JOE: (7yr old son)

Do we have to go outside?  I was going to watch ANCIENT ALIENS

KRISTI:

(yelling from another room now)

Your father shouldn't let you watch that show.  It's weird.

JOE:

Not as weird as the fact that the government has been doing testing on out of the this universe aircraft for nearly 60 years now and has been hiding the technology from the rest of the world in a conspiracy of lies and denial.   Does that make sense, Daddy?

RICH:

Yeah.. Uhm.. You need to go outside and talk to other kids so they don't start giving you wedgies in school.

AUDREY:

I need you to help me get a pretty dress that has sleeves that I can wear outside.  and Not the one I wore to school because that's old.

RICH:

You know. .When daddy was little.. we pretty much wore the same clothes.. all day.. all week. I had two pair of pants for school and ONE pair for church. That's it.

AUDREY:

Were you sad all the time?

RICH:

NO.. I didn't think about it all.. In fact.. I'd be cool with two pairs of jeans now.

AUDREY:

I know.. It's not good..   Maybe we can go shopping and get you looking right..

RICH:

How about this dress here?  It's nice.  

(reaches into closet)

AUDREY:

Oh no. Not that one. I can't wear that.  That's out of season.  I want a pretty one with tights and some .. you know. .outdoorsy boots..

RICH:

Why don't you wear what you have on?  It looks fine.  You're literally going 4 steps into the front yard. s

AUDREY:

(sits down on her floor and begins to tear up.. but reaches for her CD player and turns it on.  Taylor Swift comes on and Audrey looks away and starts singing along)

"You, with your words like knives that can be thrown agains me.. WHy you gotta be so mean...

CHRISTOPHER: (2yr old.. busts into the room running)

OH NO.. DADDY.. OH NO .. OH NO.. IPOD BROKEN!

KRISTI:

RIIIIICHARD..  Your son just flushed your IPOD down the toilet

RICH:

Christopher.. That was daddy's best friend.  Please .. WHY?  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

CHRISTOPHER..

BYE BYE Ipod.. Buh Bye.. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.. Daddy..  cookie.. cookie ? Cookie Daddy?

AUDREY:

Why does he get a cookie?  You told me and Joe no sweets before dinner.. IT'S NOT FAIR! 

RICH:

I never said he could have a cookie. or you.. wait.. Kristi?!  (yells)  IS the toilet broken

CHRISTOPHER:

uh OH.. Toilet broken..  buh bye.. toilet!  night night toilet.. 

JOE:

If Audrey gets a cookie.. then I should get a cookie.. and if we have sugar.. we shouldn't be running around outside right after. Do you want us to get stomach cramps and cry?

RICH:

Audrey's already sort of crying.  You .. need to get your shoes on and lets go outside and play.  Not that hard. Let's move.. 

CHRISTOPHER:

Outside.. Outside.. Outside.. We go outside .. Outside.. Uh oh ..

RICH:

What?

CHRISTOPHER:

Jango eat baby

AUDREY:

Daddy.. Oh No.. Jango is eating my Bitty Baby!  Make him stop!!!!

KRISTI:

(yelling from 2 rooms away)

YOU SHOULDN'T LEAVE YOUR CRAP ON THE FLOOOR.. I KEEP telling you kids to pick up your toys so the puppy doesn't eat them.

CHRISTOPHER:

Eat cookie!  Cooooooookie!!!!

AUDREY:

Daddy, How did people get here?  Where did we get bones? Where did we get souls?

JOE:

Audrey.  Aliens dropped us off from fallen planets and we've been here ever since.

AUDREY:

Is that true Daddy?

KRISTI:

(yells from other room)

QUIT WATCHING ANCIENT ALIENS JOE.. AUDREY.. IT'S GOD.. WE CAME FROM GOD.. HE MADE US!!!!

RICH:

I love it when your mother yells the word of the Lord.  Here's your doll.  She's okay.. If you're not particular about her having a head.

KRISTI:

I heard that.. I'm right here.. I just need everyone to pay attention and pick up toys for once.  NO one ever listens to me..   I'll do it. I'll throw them away.. ALL OF THEM.. You'll be sorry then.

RICH:

Mommy is okay kids.. She just needs to go eat some hummus or something.. It's all good.   

Hey.. Uhm.. Not to ruin this great time and all but.. I was in the middle of working on my laptop.  

KRISTI:

Oh .. You were.. Why didn't you say anything?

RICH:

I was afraid of my "tone" getting me in a lengthy conversation.

JOE:

I have something to talk about...  Robots.. I'd like to make a robot that can make a bed so I don't have to.. It's a waste of my time.. I need to be designing robots.. and how can I make robots if I'm WASTING time making beds.?.   

RICH:

Where are your shoes, Joe?

JOE:

I took them off.. I'd rather stay in.